The Resume Crisis

I know why so many Americans are unemployed. It’s not the economy. It’s the resumes.

Last month, I advertised an Administrative Assistant opening. Instructions were to send resumes via e-mail. The number of applicants was astounding. I read every resume, even though some intro e-mails and cover letters were enough to render a hiring decision. In short order, my finger ached from hitting the delete key.

“I’m looking for a position where my personality will shine.”
This is a desk job, not an on-camera gig. Delete.

“To secure a challenging opportunity that will enable me to grow and fulfill my dreams and help make the world a better place.”
I can’t help you there. Delete.

“. . . taught job performance in the fulfillment department.”
Read this 3 times. Laughed each time. Delete.

There’s a fine line between making your resume stand out and being quoted in my blog. Most people do not know where that line is. One listed their previous job title as “Director of First Impressions.” One signed the cover e-mail “Peace and Love.” Delete. Delete.

People were eager to work for me as a Property Manager, a Public Relations Director and an Instruction Designer. (not even sure what that is) Did they read the job description? Delete. Delete. Delete.

The insanity went on:
“. . . to meet so you can better guage my skills and experience.” Spelling counts. Consider yourself gauged. Delete.

"Type 35 wpm." I was tempted to write back with a little employment advice, "Keep that information under wraps." Delete.

“I think I meet most of your qualifications, but if you think I don’t, I understand.” Sweet, but delete.

I need someone who can accurately complete work, on time and within budget. If you tell me “personable professional” is your strongest skill, I’m worried. “An exceptional listener” doesn’t top the list either. Delete. Delete.

Resumes arrived from near and far with strange e-mail addresses: PecanDiva, BlueSky and StacyDuck. Delete. Delete. Delete.
I think I’m getting carpel-tunnel.

It may be a while until we emerge from the economic crisis.
In the meantime, we need to address the Resume Crisis.