Surviving the Emergency Room

“Mom, I’m on my way to the hospital. My lung collapsed again.”
I thought it was a bad April Fool’s Day joke. Alas, it was no prank.

Not to worry. The lung quickly re-inflated. TJ is home. He is fine.

The kids and I are well-versed with this Emergency Room gig. Between the four of us, we hit double-digit visits quite some time ago. The next ER visit, I expect confetti and balloons to fall as we enter, marking Emergency Room Record Holder standing in the community.

Being an old pro in the ER, I thought I’d share some secrets:

Say the words “chest pain” to the triage nurse, gets you right in.
Don’t say “broken toe.” This translates to “last in line.”

Don’t touch anything. The place is full of germs.
Hand sanitizing gel stations are everywhere. Find one.

Name drop your doctor. Pediatrician, dermatologist, any name will do.
If your doctor has privileges at the hospital, you get more attention.

Ask about the TV remote. You could be there a while.
Trust me, there’s always a better channel than the one the nurse tuned in.

Bring a snack – for patient, parent or spouse.
You won’t be offered any food, even if you've been there for 6 hours.

If they say "she's being admitted," settle in with a good book.
This is a hospital, not a hotel. It can take 4 hours to
“turn a room.”

Be nice to the nurses. They stick you with the needles.
“Do unto others” is an important sentiment to cultivate,
especially in the ER.

These are a few of my Emergency Room survival tips. I’d love to hear yours. I’m sure I'll be back again soon to try them out.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Arriving home from a business trip, a pile of newspapers were sure to greet me on the front lawn. My teen would not have thought to pick up the daily unsolicited papers in my absence.

Imagine my surprise as I pulled up and eyed the barren lawn. Clearly, I had misjudged my daughter. (They grow up so quickly, don’t they?) Tossing aside my suitcase, I settled on the sofa with a glass of wine to end my busy week. Finding nothing of interest on TV, I searched for a newspaper, to extract a crossword puzzle or Sudoku. Surprise. No newspapers in the basket in the living room. I peaked outside, perhaps I had missed them. Nope.

The non-stop delivery, for which I did not pay and had oft requested the distributor cease, had indeed finally stopped. Why? I do not know. I imagine, this is a result of our current economic times - scaled back deliveries, publishers going out of business.

Some mornings, I miss the daily newspapers littering my lawn. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Could be, I enjoyed the exercise. The squats, the toe-touches, the fresh air, inherent in rounding up 2 or 3 papers a day, were part of my daily routine. Could be, I fear I will run out of those little plastic sleeves papers are delivered in. All dog owners know, these are ideal for the collection and disposal of doggy droppings.

I am glad to know some things never change. My teen did not pick up the newspapers in my absence. Imagine my surprise if that event had occurred. I might have fallen off my chair and broke a toe or something.

Bedside Manner

I actually had a doctor this morning recommend amputation of my toe in lieu of surgery to correct a displaced broken bone. If you could see this toe, you would agree that something needs to be done. With the present angle of this toe, I could hitchhike across the country. Now, I’m sure the kind doctor was just trying to drive home the pointlessness of performing any type of surgery on someone’s baby toe (it being a useless digit in the grand scheme of foot agility and aesthetics) but amputation – please! I long for the days when a doctor would take the time to have a long, thoughtful discussion with a patient about treatment options and the pros and cons of medical procedures. What happened to gently guiding the patient toward the preferred path? If I wanted shock therapy, I’d listen to Howard Stern.

I went to my personal physician a few months back after being diagnosed on vacation with bronchitis and flying home with fluid on my ear. (OK – short diversion here, NEVER fly when the doctor tells you there is fluid on your ear. NEVER. Rent a car and drive home. Just trust me on this one!) She said “breathe in.” I said “though my nose or my mouth” but it was too late, she was already done listening. She spent a millisecond looking in my ear and pronounced, “Yea, you look red.” Then, with a shrug of her shoulders, I was dismissed with “You’ll just have to wait it out.” I must say “take 2 aspirin and call me in the morning” would have been a more thoughtful and comforting recommendation. I asked if there was anything I could do for the pain in my ear she said “no.” Then added, “You won’t want to get back on a plane until this clears though.” I wanted to say “No shit, Sherlock” but I restrained myself.

Is it me or is there a distinct decline in bedside manner rampant in the medical field today?

Just in case you’re wondering, I’ve decided to keep my toe. I kinda like the little fella. And I won’t be going on vacation again without my laptop. After all, where else am I going to get sound medical advise without attitude?

A Newfound Love of Wheelchair Ramps

Have you noticed how many able-bodied people park in handicapped spaces? Do you truly appreciate the automatic doors at the grocery store? Have you ever cared about the angle of the slope on a wheelchair ramp? (I mean really cared.) I now care – I mean, I really care. Yesterday, I broke my toe. I won’t go into how exactly – except to simply say I had a disagreement with a bookshelf over who had the right-of -way. Does anyone ever break a toe doing something valiant or daring?

I have now joined an elite group of human beings – those crutch-dependent individuals braving the world on one leg and 2 sticks. (Now there’s the valiant and daring part!) I’m getting pretty good negotiating life with my new appendages, but to say I am proficient in the use of crutches is probably an oxymoron. Does anyone ever really get use to these things?

To kill time (since I’d really rather not be seen in public in this fetching blue boot) - I’d love to know how many people have actually broken a leg trying to use crutches on a set of stairs. There must be some good “I broke my _______, while trying to use crutches” stories out there. I’d love to hear from you. Please share.

Exercise? vs Exercise!

What is it about exercise? I know I should do it. I know I need to do it. I know I have time to do it. But somehow, it rarely makes it to the top of my "to do" list.

Oh, I make a "to do" list, almost every day. What a sense of accomplishment I get as I check things off throughout the day. But even if I put "Exercise!" at the top of the list, I can spend an entire day avoiding it. I have even been know to add and check off additional "to do" items during the day if the list of remaining items is getting short. (A psychologist would probably have a field day with this little avoidance technique.)

I find a lot of worthwhile endeavors in life end up on the "need to do, but never get around to" list. Organizing the work bench in the basement or washing the windows certainly would be nice but clearly are a luxury I can live without. Five books sit on the shelf waiting to be read. I wonder how many times the library will let me continue to renew them? Three years of photos, stuffed in a bag, wait in my bedroom to be sorted into albums. Every now and again, the bag falls over - probably a cry for attention. I carefully prop it back into place and go about my day.

A shoebox full of notes and momentos, meant for my youngest child's baby book, seek my loving attention. This one is particularly sad as my "baby" turned 17 last week. Forget the poor misunderstood middle child syndrome, its the youngest that typically ends up short-changed on the baby book front. Why is life is so full of worthwhile "should do's" that never get done?

I am cruising through my "to do" list today. I've already checked off "submit newsletter article" and "set up networking lunch." Now I can check off "write blog." Since it's raining, I can even check wash car and water new grass seed off the list. Stay tuned folks - I am getting dangerously close to "Exercise!"