Hate is a Strong Word

A colleague said to me the other day “I hate him.”

My friend, hate is a strong word. Maybe you dislike it when he clips his toenails in bed. His table manners may need some fine tuning. Possibly his politics rub you the wrong way. Are you simply annoyed by the drudgery of everyday life? We all get there every now and again.

I have strong opinions on the use of the word “hate.” We all have unique feelings and preferences on many fronts. Differences in opinion should be respected. Differences in life choices should be accepted. These should not be love-hate issues. Hate is a choice, one that should not be made lightly.

Intentional malicious behaviors, now those are to be hated. That and oatmeal. I hate oatmeal. Now there is the proper use of the word hate.

Please, Thank You & I'm Sorry

“Love means never having to say you are sorry.” Who coined that phrase? Must have been a man. Probably one who believes flowers, chocolates or jewelry are unnecessary gifts after the exchange of wedding vows.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff,” on the other hand, was probably conceived by a woman. I imagine a multi-tasking Mommy dreamed that up, to free herself from the guilt of failing to be perfect.

Don’t get me wrong – I believe both of these sentiments have their place, figuratively, but not literally. We are all imperfect people in an imperfect world. Accept this fate. Give yourself permission to forget, to over commit, to make mistakes. Breathe a sign of relief. Then, remember, life is indeed about the small stuff.

How nice would it be if someone else in the house emptied the dishwasher? If a neighbor tossed your newspaper the extra few yards onto your porch one cold, rainy morning? If a stranger stopped to help you change a flat tire? How much happier you would be if someone simply remembered to take out the trash, without being reminded?

Life would be sweeter. A smile would play across your lips. Now, imagine a “please” or “thank you” added in, an “I’m sorry” from your partner for an unanticipated slight.

Everyday, mundane things make up the bulk of our existence. Pay attention to them. Today, tomorrow and the next day. See how it feels. See what it changes.

Remember, Love means saying you are sorry even when you are not expected to.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

Happy New Year Michael & Karen

I received a Holiday Greeting card from my newspaper delivery folks. Those of you following the saga of the never-ending-newspapers, (see Blog from October, 2008) will enjoy this note I sent back.

Dear Michael & Karen,

Thank you for your lovely holiday card. Your timely greeting arrived at my doorstep along with the newspaper you so thoughtfully continue to deliver, despite the fact that I ceased paying for delivery back in August.

I’m sure you have seen the signs of neglect in our relationship as, day after day, newspapers pile up on my front lawn. I’m sure you have received the calls from your employer, advising you to cease and desist. Please, do not take it personally, but I would really like to end our relationship.

I urge you to start the new year out on the right foot. Make a resolution to stop delivering the newspaper to my home.

I understand how difficult it can be to break ties, especially when one has had a long and satisfying relationship. Five years is indeed a long time. Perhaps, I am simply a habit you cannot manage to break. Perhaps, it is the letting go that you cannot accept.

Quitting quit cold-turkey is always the best way to go. Lingering in a languished relationship is never a wise move. If you just can’t bear to part ways, we can compromise. You are welcome to continue to send your annual holiday card, as I always appreciate the kind sentiment. But please, stop delivering the newspaper.

Happy New Year Michael & Karen
I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.
Denise

A Parenting Oops Card

At Back-to-school night, one teacher handed out a Free Homework Pass to each parent. A little “I know your life is crazy” gift to provide momentary relief on a day of the parent’s choosing. A nice thought, but what I would really like is a parenting “oops” card.

Recently, my daughter shared with me about a time I had ignored a request she made. She was 7. Apparently, she is scarred for life. I told her I was sorry (and I truly am) but I wanted to tell her “get in line.” I’ve made mistakes, a lot of them. Parenting is tough work. We muddle through our busy lives and raise our children as best we can. Somewhere along the line, we need to forgive ourselves for our missteps and hope that our children do to.

My present for you this Christmas is a special kind of gift card, a Parenting Oops Card. Take one guilt-ridden parenting moment and toss it away. Any event: the time you sent your son to school with a fever because you had a presentation at work; a time you raised your voice, simply because you were tired, not because it was the most appropriate response for the situation; a time you ignored, forgot, or misspoke.

I’m here to tell you, the things you’re beating yourself up over are probably not even the things your kids remember. Allow yourself a special gift this Christmas – accept a Parenting Oops Card. And be sure to share it with a friend.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Using your Blinker and Avoiding the Horn

Many women will tell you, their biggest gripe with their mate is lack of communication. “We never just talk,” women say. Have you been on the sending or receiving end of “I want to know how you feel”? Statements like these can make men run for the door and women seek therapy.

The same applies to planning ahead. Frankly, many men find their life quite satisfactory without forethought or planning. “Don’t they sell roses at those roadside stands?” can count, in a man’s mind, as preparation for Valentine’s Day. Women beg to differ.

Communication & planning ahead are two often addressed topics in a relationship, but these gender differences are not strictly a behind-closed-doors issue. They translate behind the wheel of a car as well.

I must confess, I can be a back-seat driver at times. “Why don’t you put on your blinker, so the cars know you’re waiting for that parking space,” I’ve been heard to say, when I witness this communication faux pas.

To me, it’s like nails on a chalkboard to listen to “that damn car won’t let me in.” All I’m thinking is “Why didn’t you change lanes a mile ago? You knew the exit was coming up.” I don't understand why people don't plan ahead.

It’s really just gender differences, in communication and planning. Perhaps we can agree to meet in the middle – if men work on using their blinkers more often, women will lay off the horn.

I’m going to try this in my life. Try it in yours. Let me know how it goes.

For Myself, and For the Fans

“I'm tired of reading about geese,” my sister-in-law said at Thanksgiving. That’s not the first time I’ve heard that sentiment this month.

It’s been 3 weeks since my last blog entry - a short, quick blurb I wrote, after minimal postings in October. I love to write and I really enjoy blogging, but my life has been getting in the way. Nothing glamorous I’m afraid. No jetting off to Paris, like my mother. No long weekend hitting the tables in Vegas. No lucrative business contract, filling my days and nights. Just life – kids, cars, pets, school, church, house . . . .

I’ve got to keep up the writing, not just for me, but apparently also for the fans. So, I’m making my New Year’s Resolution a month early. I’m getting my priorities in order. My commitment: to write at least one blog a week. I wanted to shoot for 2, but I need to be realistic. It’s the Christmas holiday season, after all. I may have a few other things on my plate.

I start my new charge today. The unraked leaves can wait. The dirty laundry is not going anywhere. Those dishes in the sink, well they've been sitting for a while. What's a little while longer? First, I blog. For myself, and for the fans.

Keep checking back. Don’t hesitate to send me a little nudge every now and again, like my sister-in-law. Everyone can use help sticking to their New Year’s Resolutions.

I'm With Stupid

If you have teenagers, you know by now that you are stupid. Your life experiences are meaningless. They add up to zilch, nada, nothing. You can’t remind them to pick up the pace or they’ll be late without getting the “eye-roll.” Translation: “Duh! I know.” You can’t offer study help after a bad test score without getting the “open-mouthed stare.” Translation: “Like you would know?!” You can’t suggest they wear a coat in January, without getting the “slumped shoulders-grunt.” Translation: “Leave me alone.”

It can be enough to make a parent see red. It can be enough to make one wonder where one went wrong. Or, it can motivate you to try a different tact.

Three teenagers and repeated reminders of my apparent stupidity, led me to retaliate one day with a little help from the comic strip Charlie Brown. Remember the classroom scenes? The invisible teacher never spoke actual words, just the muted trombone sounds - "mwa, mwa, mwa.”

“Yea, I know mwa, mwa, mwa, mwa-mwa, mwa-mwa,” I said one day, with my hands making exaggerated yakity-yak gestures in the air, “just take the coat.” Surprisingly, this worked. I had their attention. My kids laughed and they listened.

I used this ice-breaker, and others, many times over the years. Life’s too short to waste time on power struggles. If you ever feel like your teenager is wearing an invisible “I’m With Stupid” shirt and standing next to you, you are probably right. I say go buy yourself an “I am Stupid” shirt, stand next to them and have a good laugh.

Life, Love, and yes, Sex

I am having so much fun talking to people about sex this summer. But I’m not sure my audience is enjoying it as much as I am.

You see, we have finally settled on a date for a Baltimore Book Event for Charla Muller (author of 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy). I’ve been talking-up the book and asking people to mark their calendars.

While Charla’s book chronicles the everyday challenges inherent in balancing work, children and marriage, there really is no way to get around mentioning the word “sex” when talking about her book. I’ve gotten more than a few blank stares. If I’m reading the stares correctly (and I believe I am), they mask thoughts like: “Sex? Did she just say the word ‘sex’ to me?” or “Charla offered her husband what? How often? Was she on drugs?” or quite simply “Don’t let my husband find out about this!”

365 Nights is really not about sex as much as it is about married relationships - how they change over time, how men and women’s perceptions differ, and how reconnecting (in whatever way you choose) can transform a relationship. While the impetus for the renewal in Charla and Brad’s marriage was a change in the frequency of their “married with young children” sex life, the book talks little about sex, but rather about life, stress, change, growth and relationships. Charla’s wit and humor along with her candid look at the realities of everyday married life, make for great reading.

But don’t take my word for it. Check out Charla’s web site (http://www.charlamuller.com/ ), look at the reviews on http://www.amazon.com/ or better yet, read the book. You can find it on the shelf at Barnes & Noble or order it at most book stores.

You’ll agree, it’s impossible to mention the book without using the word Sex, at least once. I think you’ll also find this real, honest, relationship book is a must read you’ll soon be sharing with family and friends.

S-E-X

I have a plan this summer – a plan that will embarrass my kids. I plan to talk about S-E-X this summer. And I’m going to talk about it to anyone who will listen.

You see, I have this friend Charla. (We’re sorta-kinda related. She’s my sister-in-law’s sister’s best friend from college.) Charla wrote a book about a birthday gift she gave her husband – sex, every day for a year. Really! A fascinating idea, one that intrigues men and perplexes women. (at least from my short survey) Her book is called 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy. Sound familiar? Perhaps you saw the ladies discuss it on The View last month or watched the interview on The Today Show yesterday. If you missed those, stay tuned, because I understand they have taped a segment for Inside Edition.

OK – but why am I going to talk about sex all summer? Partially because it will embarrass my kids. (Come on now – there has to be some sort of pay back for all the years of attitude and eye-rolling I endured during their teen years.) Also, because Charla and I are sorta-kinda related. But most importantly, because I’m co-hosting a book signing event for Charla in Baltimore in September. You can stay tuned via Charla’s website : http://www.charlamuller.com/

Today is my 46th birthday – I wonder what Paul has planned? I don’t think its sex every day for a year, but one never knows . . . . .